A serious problem
Editor’s note: this article contains discussion of domestic abuse and sexual violence.
I muted the TV. I could hear noises coming from next door but I couldn’t really make out what was being said and if it was happy loud or angry loud. There was always something going on next door; there were kids and grandkids always around, music, playing footy in the driveway, cars revving. There had also been a few times when she was wheeled out on a stretcher because he had beaten her so savagely, needing a short stay at the hospital to fix her up.
Ever since that day of trembling arms, pounding chest and a reluctance but requirement to call the cops, I always mute the TV. Sometimes I will sneak outside to hear better, tip-toeing around on the back deck to not alert them that I am listening in. I am always listening. Always ready to intervene and hopefully stop him from potentially killing her.
In 2016 I had just started working at the AFL, I had moved from NSW and didn’t know much about the players, the legends of the game or any of the scandals. When I found out that the ‘greatest player of our time’, the man who had multiple jobs on our platform and many elsewhere, had a history of violence towards women, I brought it up with the new big boss of the department I worked in. She also didn’t grow up watching the sport so also wasn’t aware of the glassing, the beating etc. She was horrified when I spoke to her through teary eyes and a croaking voice about the man who was representing our code and our company. The issue was taken to the highest levels and essentially brushed off. The HR representative told me to ‘steer clear of him’ if he was in the office; and told me to let them know if anything had happened to me or my female co-workers. I had lost all faith that a decent decision would be made.
The big dogs at the top couldn’t see the problem of having this man as one of the faces of the game, or maybe they did and didn’t want to make an example of him and cause a media storm… A code that loves to big note themselves about being at the forefront of social and political issues, had yet again let down half of their audience.
He has since been phased out from his platforms on the AFL, but it wasn’t without pushback and he can still be seen commentating and hosting for various broadcasters. I like to think of this as my legacy, the reason why I had to be there at the time I was, hopefully giving women in male-dominated industries, like sports and broadcasting, a bit of extra confidence to speak their truth and demand better from our employers.
Did those stories leave you feeling icky, helpless, enraged, disgusted? Good.
This is the reality of way too many of us right now.
This ‘country’ has a serious problem with its attitude towards women, trans and non-binary people and I am fucking sick of it. I know most of you would be too. Far too many cis men, consciously or not, think they have some sort of entitlement to women and girls. You only need to accidentally look at literally any comment section online and there, right in front of you are putrid, vile and heinous remarks from mostly men. But they’re good guys right! They love their wives and daughters! I have to try to stop myself from commenting and replying to these sorry excuses for fathers, husbands and brothers. They aren’t deserving of my time and energy. Okay, just take a deep breath…
The nation of so-called Australia is so vast and diverse, that there is not one single correct pathway to fixing the ongoing epidemic of gendered violence, meaning it must be done through a lens of intersectionality. Trust in police and government services is often non-existent in communities and minorities where there has been a precedent of injustices and abuses of power.
Indigenous women, trans women, migrant and refugee women, disabled women and women experiencing homelessness, single mums, elderly women, sex workers, unemployed women…the list goes on. They are all greatly affected by even more hurdles and red tape to access meaningful and safe care for themselves and their families, or even worse, sometimes they are straight-up ignored.
Access to affordable and secure housing and care often stops victims from leaving violent environments, not to mention the financial control many perpetrators have over their victims. We also see time and time again that perpetrators have recently been granted bail and re-offend. Sometimes leaving or moving somewhere safe is not a feasible option.
High-profile offenders who continue to get slaps on the wrist and keep their platforms while further causing trauma to their victims show young men that they too can be violent and abusive and still get to be rich, famous or in their dream jobs. Nothing really changes and you can often get away with your actions. We see it in the sporting world, we see it within popular culture and we see it in our own governments. It is degrading, it is rage-inducing and it is heartbreaking.
And we’ve had yet another school in the spotlight for students ranking their female classmates and using atrocious language. There’s that entitlement again. It was happening 20 years ago when I was starting high school and it hasn’t seemed to stop, only now it is exacerbated by the proclivity, bordering on obsession, with social media and instant messaging. (I sound really old writing that, but it is a real problem).
The government says porn is the problem and is the reason for the rise in violence against women, but Leon Huxtable, a former teacher and current Schools Educator at Sexual Health Victoria, says that “more money needs to be invested into digital literacy, with an explicit focus on sexual content online” and that “age verification and assurance alone will not solve the problem”.
Kids know how to get around an age barrier online and porn will always be accessible to those who want to find it. Blaming the sex industry and sex workers further demeans the real work that they do. There is not an easy fix to ensure that kids and teens can’t access this material but school education around consent, violence and appropriate relationship behaviour should absolutely be updated and completely overhauled.
Mutual aid and community have always been at the forefront of disseminating information and resources, and this issue is no different. It seems like every day I am reposting a story that someone has made about violent and abusive men in certain suburbs, on trains, in parks, going to stores or using services. It’s terrifying having to be extra cautious. We shouldn’t have to be. If I hear or see one more cis man saying that there isn’t a problem and that they also feel scared when walking at night, I might just absolutely lose my shit.
The staunch work of those fundraising to get women and their kids away from abuse and violence is almost a full-time job for some (lookin’ at you DreamtimeAroha, doing amazing work). This shit is happening every single day. It’s not just happening in a far away place. It’s not just happening behind closed doors. It’s happening here. And now. Sometimes in broad daylight on the street. It’s an insidious and heavy cloud that hangs over us all.
It has taken me years after sexual assaults to realise and understand what had happened to me was actually not okay, because there was no conversation about affirmative consent, or consent at all really, when I was at school. Sex-ed was very much ‘sex is what you do after you’re married and want to have a baby’ and ‘wear a condom so you don’t spread gonorrhoea’.
There is a great graphic published in an article by the Journal of Community Safety and Well-Being that shows how small everyday trivialisation is connected to explicit violence. The normalisation of toxic masculinity and the pervasiveness of rape culture and micro-aggressions, like ‘boys being boys’, sexist jokes or demeaning women based on how they present, is directly linked to the escalation to more violent crimes against women.
If you’re offended by us speaking about our experiences and lumping you all together because some of you are bringing shame and disrepute to the lot of you, grow up, stand up and do something about it. Speak up and be part of the solution. This is our time to rest. Women, girls and AFAB people are absolutely sick and tired of having to live with and live through this every day of our lives.
We are tired of the emotional labour of having to educate others, tired of having to get everything done before the sun goes down, tired of having to spend more money on Ubers because walking in the dark doesn’t feel safe and we may just end up dead in a park and never make it home. Our safety is not a joke.
Have sincere conversations with the boys and men in your life. Watch your language around young boys and teens. Call out your asshole friend who thinks hitting on girls at a bar incessantly is funny. Stand up and say something when a joke at the expense of a woman doesn’t feel right. Scared to lose a friend because you’re calling them out and reigning in their shitty behaviour? Probably best not to be mates with them anyway. Have the courage to help us, because we can’t do this alone.
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